Soulmates
by Andra Marie Mueller
Summary: When Chakotay is killed in a shuttle accident, Kathryn must come to terms with her loss.


**"Soulmates"  
by Andra Marie Mueller**

The worst day of Kathryn Janeway's life started as a routine one, with nothing to indicate how it would end. She was in Sickbay, reluctantly undergoing her annual physical exam while an Away Team led by Chakotay gathered some much needed food supplies from the deserted moon they were orbiting. The Doctor had just pronounced her in perfect health when her combadge beeped.

"Tuvok to Captain Janeway."

"Go ahead, Commander."

"Captain, sensors are detecting a Hirogen ship on the far side of the planet," Tuvok told her. "I strongly recommend we recall all personnel on the planet's surface and depart the premises before we are detected."

"Acknowledged. Contact Commander Chakotay and instruct him to return to _Voyager_."

"Aye, Captain."

Sliding off the biobed, Kathryn bid the Doctor farewell and headed for the Bridge. As she exited the turbolift, she overheard Tuvok conversing with Chakotay.

"We are attempting to compensate for the energy fluctuations, Commander," the Vulcan said. "Stand by."

"Problem?" Kathryn prompted.

Tuvok afforded her a brief glance. "The electromagnetic energy waves in the planet's atmosphere are increasing and are interfering with the shuttlecraft's engines," he responded. "They are also preventing us from getting a stable lock with either the tractor beam or the transporters."

"Why didn't the energy waves prevent the shuttle from passing through the moon's atmosphere in the first place?" Kathryn asked.

"The energy level was substantially lower upon our arrival," Tuvok explained. "The increase has occurred gradually while we have been in orbit."

"We're getting tossed around like feathers in the wind down here, Tuvok," Chakotay's voice interjected. "The shuttle's shields are weakening, and we don't have enough power to make it all the way back to the ship."

"Can you initiate an emergency transport from the shuttle?" Kathryn questioned.

"With the power fluctuations it's pretty risky, but we might be able to pull it off if we beam out one at a time," Chakotay replied.

"Captain, the Hirogen ship has altered course and is heading in our direction," Kim announced.

Kathryn glanced at the helm. "Evasive maneuvers, Mister Paris."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Chakotay to _Voyager_. I'm initiating the first transport now."

"Acknowledged, Commander," Kim responded. "Transporter room two is standing by."

The Bridge crew waited in expectant silence and a moment later the transporter chief's voice sounded over the intercom.

"Ford to Bridge. Mister Neelix has successfully materialized."

"You get that, Commander?" Kim queried.

"Loud and clear, Harry. Initiating the second transport."

A moment later Ford announced the successful transport of Samantha Wildman, leaving only Chakotay to be brought aboard.

"Main power is down to twenty percent," Chakotay said. "I don't know if there's enough left to complete the transport."

"Can you get a lock on him, Harry?' Kathryn pressed.

"Negative, Captain. There's too much interference from the moon's atmosphere."

Just then Chakotay let loose a colorful explicative as Paris simultaneously addressed Kathryn. "The Hirogen are firing at the shuttle, Captain."

Kathryn turned to Tuvok. "Send a few phaser shots across their bow and warn them off, Commander."

Tuvok ran a hand along his computer panel to initiate the phaser array, and a moment later lifted his gaze to hers. "No affect, Captain. They are ignoring us while continuing their assault on the shuttle."

Kathryn sighed. "I don't have time for this. Use whatever force is necessary to protect the shuttle, Mister Tuvok. We've got to get Chakotay out of there before they destroy it."

Tuvok inclined his head in silent acknowledgement as Kathryn returned her attention to Kim. "Do whatever you have to, Mister Kim, but get Chakotay out of that shuttle."

"Yes Ma'am."

Kim quickly made a few adjustments to his panel, then briefly glanced at the console behind him before returning his attention to his panel. "I think I can get a lock on him long enough to start the transport but I don't know how stable it will be."

"The shuttle's shields just went down," Paris interjected. "One direct hit from the Hirogen ship and it's history."

"We're out of options, Mister Kim. Energize."

Kim pressed a hand to his panel. "Engaging transporter," he said, then a moment later added, "Damnit! I lost the signal!"

"The Hirogen have just destroyed the shuttle, Captain," Paris announced.

Kathryn immediately tapped her combadge. "Bridge to transporter room two. Do you have Commander Chakotay?"

"Negative, Captain," Ford announced. "He had just started to materialize when his signal vanished."

"Is there any way to retrieve it from the pattern buffer?" Kathryn pressed.

"No, Ma'am. When we lost the lock his pattern was wiped from the buffer."

Kathryn glanced at Kim. "Scan the Hirogen ship," she instructed. "Maybe he materialized on their vessel by accident. I also want a complete scan of the moon's surface. The interference from the energy waves may have caused him to be transported back down."

"Aye, Captain."

Kathryn shifted her attention to Tuvok. "Keep an eye on our friends out there, Commander. If they display any more hostile intentions, send a photon torpedo into their engines. I'll be in transporter room two."

Without waiting for a response, Kathryn entered the turbolift.

**TWO WEEKS LATER  
**

The holodeck was filled to capacity, a mass of dress uniforms as the entire crew gathered for Chakotay's memorial service. Despite the threat posed by the presence of the Hirogen and the evidence that indicated he was gone, Kathryn had continued the search for Chakotay for over a week. She and B'Elanna had gone over the transporter buffers with a proverbial fine tooth comb while Harry and Tuvok conducted every scan imaginable on the planet and surrounding space for any trace of their missing comrade. But when long-range sensors had detected an additional trio of Hirogen vessels en route to their location, and with their energy reserves being severely depleted by the moon's atmosphere, Kathryn had been forced to abandon the search. The decision had been met with little surprise, but much disappointment and even anger, especially from B'Elanna.

"We can't just leave him here!" she protested.

"We have no choice," Kathryn countered calmly. "Even if the atmosphere wasn't draining our systems, _Voyager_ is no match for the contingent of Hirogen ships headed our way."

"So we abandon Chakotay to turn tail and run from the Hirogen?"

Kathryn's tone turned to ice. "One more word, Lieutenant, and you'll spend the night in the brig," she cautioned. "I'm not any happier about having to leave than you are, but we've done everything we can to find Chakotay without success. As much as it pains me, my first obligation is to this crew, and I won't risk an incursion with the Hirogen to continue what has unfortunately proven to be a useless search. "

Despite her anger, B'Elanna knew the captain was right, and _Voyager_ resumed its course for home. Although still in shock, Kathryn had forced herself to go through the motions of preparing the service and offering moral support to the crew, burying her own grief deep in her heart. With B'Elanna's help, she had uncovered enough information about Dorvanian burial rituals to ensure that Chakotay's service would appropriately reflect the man that it honored. Forcing a faint smile, Kathryn stepped up to the small podium positioned in the center of the room to deliver his eulogy.

"Five years ago, the Caretaker's array transported _Voyager_ and the Maquis ship to this quadrant, leaving us all stranded 70,000 light years from home. In the beginning, none of us were sure we'd survive the first few days together, let alone the first few years. Yet Commander Chakotay and I knew that our only hope for survival was to put aside our differences and merge our crews. I expected it to be difficult; a group of Maquis suddenly thrust into uniforms that symbolized everything they were fighting against, a commander forced to accept orders from someone who under any other circumstances would be his enemy. Yet from the start, Chakotay did everything he could to make certain that this alliance of opposites succeeded. He was an exceptional second in command; everyone on this ship trusted him and respected him. Most importantly, he was also my friend, and quite simply the soul of this ship. "

Kathryn paused then, her voice cracking, and she took a moment to compose herself before continuing.

"His loss is a tragic blow to all of us, and I know we will all feel that loss - personally and professionally - for some time to come. In closing, I offer you a request of sorts, something that I'm sure Chakotay himself would say if he were here now. 'Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I will remember all of you. If you can only remember me with tears and sorrow, then don't remember me at all.' I thank you all for being here."

Several hours later, Kathryn had taken her leave from the service and made her way to Chakotay's quarters. She had traded her dress uniform for casual wear, wanting to enter his cabin as Kathryn and not the captain, the distinction her way of honoring her personal connection to the man she had lost. Overriding the door lock, she stepped inside, stopping just far enough from the door to allow it to close. She did not bother to turn on the lights, leaving only the reflection of the passing stars to illuminate to room. As she watched them go by, a verse from an Ancient Earth song suddenly popped into her head: 'When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you.'

_My heart desires you, Chakotay_, she thought sadly. _I wish I had found the courage to tell you. _

Not wanting to face his empty cabin and the memories it held, Kathryn had requested that B'Elanna undertake the task of gathering Chakotay's personal belongings for storage, where they would be kept until they could be delivered to his sister upon _Voyager_'s eventual return to the Alpha Quadrant. Yet B'Elanna had declined the duty, deferring it back to Kathryn.

"There's no one on this ship he cared for more than you, Captain," she had said. "He would want you to do it."

The simple statement had served its purpose, and now the captain stood in the quarters of her deceased XO and closest friend, trying not to give into the anguish threatening to overwhelm her. From the moment they met she had felt a connection to Chakotay she could neither define nor explain, and for as long as he had been on _Voyager_ some part of her was always aware of his presence. But during the last two weeks that connection had vanished just as swiftly and mysteriously as Chakotay had, adding to Kathryn's pain. Yet Chakotay's presence in his quarters was so strong it was almost tangible, reviving the connection and prompting Kathryn to speak aloud to the empty room as if she were addressing him.

"I don't know how to do this, Chakotay; to say good-bye to you. I look at the crew, and I see their pain, their grief. And I know they need me to be strong for them. What they don't know is that I drew my strength from you. As long as I had you by my side, there was nothing I couldn't handle."

The captain paused then, as if expecting a rebuttal or a response, but none came, and she allowed her anger to boil over. "Damn you, Chakotay!" she shouted at the darkness. "Damn you for dying and abandoning me to face the rest of my life without you!"

Just as suddenly as it had come, Kathryn's anger vanished, only to be replaced by a wrenching, soul-numbing grief as the reality of Chakotay's loss hit her at last. Sinking to the floor, she began to sob, allowing everything she was feeling to pour out in her tears. After several minutes, she regained control of her emotions and wiped her face dry before getting back on her feet as she spoke aloud to herself.

"Pity party's over, Kathryn. You have a ship to run and a crew to get home, neither of which can be done sitting on the floor in an empty room crying over Chakotay." Her voice sounded hollow even to her own ears. "He's dead; deal with it and move on."

Glancing around the room, Kathryn wondered where to start with the packing. Almost instantly, five years of speculation kicked in, and smiling to herself, she headed into his bedroom. A small wooden dresser stood in the far corner of the room, which Kathryn assumed contained his off-duty attire, and a miniature version of the medicine wheel he kept in his office hung on the wall above the dresser. Glancing at his nightstand, she noticed a framed photograph situated beside a pair of small candles. Curiosity peaked, she walked over to pick it up. It was a picture of her and Chakotay, one which she recognized as having been taken the previous Christmas. The Doctor had appointed himself the official photographer for the evening, and the crew had reluctantly agreed to humor him over his latest hobby. Yet this picture had obviously been taken when Kathryn and Chakotay were unaware of the Doctor's presence, the image capturing the two smiling over some shared secret, the look passing between them reflecting a strength of emotion that was almost tangible. It struck Kathryn then, the implication behind the look, and she spoke aloud to herself.

"Oh, Kathryn; you are such a fool. It is obvious the man was in love with you."

The captain felt her heart twinge at the realization, and a stray tear trickled down her cheek. Releasing a heavy sigh, she replaced the picture before crossing over to the dresser. Opening the center drawer, she began removing his clothes and placing them in small stacks on the bed. She was halfway through the second drawer when she came across one of his favorite shirts, the beige one he had worn on New Earth the night he created the ancient legend. She stared at it for a moment, the memories it provoked threatening to trigger a fresh round of tears. Suddenly struck with the need to "feel" him, however superficially, Kathryn unfolded the shirt and slipped it on. Even with the blouse she wore underneath, Chakotay's shirt was absurdly large on her, and she permitted herself a small smile at the visual image it presented. Rolling up the sleeves, she adjusted it to fit more comfortably around her, then resumed her packing.

Ever the early riser, the day after Chakotay's service was no exception for Kathryn. Replicating herself a cup of black coffee, she took a few tentative sips before stepping into the sonic shower. Her mind still numb from the events of the past few days, she operated on auto-pilot, woodenly going through her morning ritual and pulling on her uniform before heading for the Bridge. She passed a few crewmen on her way, barely acknowledging their presence let alone their tentative greetings. Arriving at the Bridge, Kathryn took two steps out of the turbolift, then stopped in her tracks at the sight of Tuvok in Chakotay's chair.

_This is really happening_, she thought, feeling her heart twist within her. _He's really gone_.

"Captain?" Tuvok queried.

Kathryn quickly pushed away her wayward thoughts and glanced at Tuvok. "Status, Commander," she requested.

"All of the ship's systems are functioning within normal parameters. Long-range sensors have detected no signs of any pursuing Hirogen vessels."

"Fine. You have the Bridge."

"Aye, Captain."

Tuvok resumed his seat as Kathryn retreated to the solitude of her Ready Room, and she walked over to position herself behind her desk. Flipping on her computer terminal, she glanced at the screen and felt her heart twinge again. The report displayed was Chakotay's most recent crew evaluations, which he had pre-programmed for delivery to Kathryn the day before his death. Slowly she lifted her hand to place it against the screen, as if attempting touch him one last time, and her dark blue eyes welled with unshed tears.

_Oh, Chakotay...what am I going to do without you? _

Late in the afternoon on the one-month anniversary of Chakotay's death, the captain was on her way to the Bridge following a meeting with B'Elanna and the Engineering staff. Rounding a corner, she promptly collided with Seven of Nine and Naomi Wildman.

"I'm sorry, Ladies," she said. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"We are undamaged," Seven assured her.

"We're on our way to Astrometrics," Naomi announced. "Seven's going to teach me how to identify constellations."

"Sounds like fun. Enjoy yourselves."

"Are you feeling all right, Captain?" Seven inquired.

"Fine. Why do you ask?"

"You seem to be somewhat underweight, and your skin appears to be paler than usual. It is a logical assumption that you are unwell."

"Tactful as ever, aren't you, Seven?" Kathryn returned wryly.

The former Borg was prevented from responding by Samantha Wildman, who spotted her daughter at Seven's side and quickly crossed over to join them. Acknowledging Kathryn with a brief smile, Samantha addressed Naomi.

"You, young lady, are in deep trouble!" she declared. "You're supposed to be in our quarters studying for your history lesson with Commander Tuvok tomorrow."

"My apologies, Ensign," Seven replied. "I was unaware that our plans for this afternoon were interfering with Naomi's educational requirements."

"I'm sure you weren't," Samantha allowed, glancing knowingly at Naomi. "I'm sure Naomi conveniently forgot to mention that she was supposed to be doing homework."

"I don't like studying with Mister Tuvok," Naomi interjected in protest. "He doesn't make the lessons fun like Commander Chakotay did."

_From the mouths of babes_. The thought flashed through Kathryn's mind at Naomi's innocent reference to Chakotay, and a fresh wave of grief threatened to overwhelm her. _Will it ever get better?_ she wondered. _Or will I spend the rest of my life pouring salt in an open wound whenever someone mentions his name?_

Unaware of the emotional turmoil taking place within her captain, Samantha knelt down to Naomi's eye level and flashed her a faint smile. "I'll make you a deal, Sweetheart. If you do well during your lessons with Tuvok tomorrow, you can spend the rest of the afternoon in your Flotter program."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart."

Duly pacified, Naomi placed her hand in her mother's. "Thanks anyway, Seven. Maybe we can go to Astrometrics another day."

"I will look forward to it," Seven responded.

"I apologize for interrupting, Cap..."

Samantha's voice trailed off in mid-sentence as she suddenly realized Kathryn had disappeared.

The weeks passed, and life on _Voyager_ returned to normal, or at least what passed for normal since the loss of Chakotay. Kathryn had taken to isolating herself in her quarters or the Ready Room, shutting herself off from her crew and surviving on little more than stubbornness and coffee. Prowling the ship in the middle of the night seemed to be her new pastime, which combined with her near nonexistent public appearances and noticeable weight loss had prompted Tom Paris to privately dub her "the Ghost". But as the weeks turned to months and there was no discernable change in Kathryn's behavior, the crew's curiosity and amusement swiftly changed to concern.

Early one evening Seven, Harry and B'Elanna were in the mess hall, waiting for Tom to join them for dinner. Hearing the swoosh signaling the opening of the doors, the trio glanced over expectantly, only to see Kathryn enter the room. True to Tom's description, the captain was indeed nearly twenty-five pounds lighter than she had been prior to Chakotay's death, and her normally fair skin was now ashen.

_She really does look like a ghost_, B'Elanna observed.

Oblivious to the reaction her haggard appearance was causing, the captain crossed over to the replicator and ordered a mug of coffee. Taking a tentative sip, she turned to exit the room just as Tom entered.

"Working the night shift, Captain?" he prompted.

"Morning, noon and night, Mister Paris," Kathryn returned wryly. "Sometimes I think I should demote myself just to get a full night's sleep."

"Chakotay used to try and convince Harry that the real reason you spent so much time in your Ready Room was because you were taking naps. To this day, I think there's a part of him that still believes it."

Kathryn managed a faint smile. "Sometimes I think that Chakotay's only real concession to Starfleet protocol was to wear the uniform," she mused.

Paris returned the smile. "Frankly, Captain, I think he wore it more for you than for protocol. I'm meeting Seven, B'Elanna and Harry for a late dinner. You're welcome to join us."

"Thank you for the offer, Ensign, but I have a lot of paperwork to do. Enjoy your evening."

"Good night, Captain."

Tom walked over to join his friends, giving B'Elanna a quick kiss before settling into the chair next to her. "Hello, beautiful."

"What did you say to the Captain just now?" Harry asked.

"I invited her to join us but she declined."

"I don't know why you wasted the effort to ask her in the first place," B'Elanna chided. "You knew she would say no."

"I was just hoping she might be in the mood for some company," Tom returned.

"Kathryn hasn't been in the mood for company for four months."

"Better four months than five years," Tom responded pointedly, earning him a scathing look from B'Elanna. "One more word, Flyboy, and you'll be on a liquid diet for the next six weeks," she cautioned.

"I love you, too."

"We all miss Chakotay," Harry offered, "but it can't be good for the Captain to shut herself off from everyone like this."

"Maybe that's just her way of dealing with her loss," B'Elanna suggested. "Maybe she's afraid that if she allows herself to grieve it will destroy her."

"It is detrimental to Captain Janeway's command position and personal well-being to continue to isolate herself from her crew and ignore her duties," Seven interjected. "She must find a way to deal with her grief and move on."

"And I thought Vulcans were unemotional," B'Elanna muttered. "I don't know how the Borg dealt with death, Seven, but Humans tend to find it rather difficult to simply 'deal with their grief and move on'. As illogical as it may be, we need to work through the pain in our own way and on our own time."

Seven afforded her a brief glance. "Contrary to popular opinion, Lieutenant, I am not completely without feelings. I, too, am saddened over the loss of Commander Chakotay. He was an extremely efficient First Officer and a unique individual. His death has left a void that will be difficult, if not impossible, to fill. However, it is to no one's benefit if his death causes Captain Janeway to abandon her responsibility to this crew to wallow in her grief."

"Seven has a point," Tom allowed. "Ever since we lost Chakotay, it's like a part of Janeway died, too. She's always been a small woman, but over the last few months she's dropped at least twenty pounds, and given the dark circles under her eyes I'll bet there's more than caffeine keeping her up at night. She's isolated herself from the crew, burying her grief and putting on a brave front for the rest of us. I haven't seen her shed one tear or react emotionally to anything since his death. It's almost as if she won't allow herself to mourn."

"Even if this is all true, I don't know what we can do about it," Harry replied. "Chakotay was the only one who could talk to her when she was like this."

"The captain and Commander Tuvok have been friends for many years," Seven reminded them. "Perhaps we should present our concerns regarding her emotional state to him."

"Tuvok's a Vulcan," Tom stated. "As long as Janeway's fit to command, he won't give a damn what her emotional state is."

"Someone's got to talk to her," Harry declared. "And it has to be someone whom she trusts enough to be honest with but who won't be intimidated if she tries to pull rank or indulge her temper."

As if on cue, the others turned to glance at B'Elanna.

"Me? Why me?"

"Aside from Janeway, Chakotay was closer to you than anyone else on this ship," Tom pointed out. "If the situation were reversed, you'd be the first person to go to him."

"Chakotay was my best friend; Janeway's my CO."

"So was Chakotay once upon a time," Tom reminded her.

B'Elanna sighed. "Fine; I'll talk to her. But just remember whose idea this was when you and I are demoted to Ensigns and Harry loses the only pips he has."

In her quarters, Kathryn was in the bedroom, attired in the shirt she had confiscated from Chakotay's wardrobe the night of his memorial service and reviewing the latest maintenance reports forwarded to her by Tuvok. On the nightstand beside her bed was the picture of her with Chakotay that she had also commandeered from amongst his things. She had just finished reading the final report when the door chime signaled the arrival of an unexpected and unwelcome visitor. Releasing a sigh, Kathryn tossed the PADD aside and wandered into the main room to answer the door, finding B'Elanna standing in the hallway.

"Captain. Am I disturbing you?"

Kathryn avoided answering the question by asking one of her own. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

"If you have a few minutes, there's something I'd like to discuss with you."

"Does this have anything to do with your quarrel with Seven in Engineering yesterday?" Kathryn prompted.

"How did you...never mind. No; it's regarding a personal matter."

Kathryn wordlessly stepped aside to allow B'Elanna entry, and the lieutenant walked inside the cabin, allowing herself a brief glance around the room before returning her attention to the captain. It registered then, the familiarity of the other woman's attire, and she shot her a questioning look.

"Isn't that Chakotay's shirt?"

"It was. What is it you wanted to discuss with me, Lieutenant?"

"I have a friend...well, not a friend really but someone I care about... who is having an exceptionally difficult time dealing with Chakotay's death."

Kathryn felt her heart twinge at the second mention of Chakotay in the space of thirty seconds, but she ignored it as she addressed B'Elanna. "On what do you base your opinion of her emotional state?"

"Ever since Chakotay died, it's almost as if she's willing herself to die, too," B'Elanna responded. "She's been isolating herself from the rest of the crew, and doesn't seem to be eating or sleeping very well."

"Have you tried talking to her about it?" Kathryn queried.

"She's never been overly fond of discussing her personal business," B'Elanna answered carefully. "I think she feels it's a sign of weakness to let herself grieve."

"Grief is part of the natural healing process," Kathryn said. "I suggest you tell your friend that the only way she's going to come to terms with Chakotay's death is to accept her grief and work through it."

"Than with all due respect, Captain, perhaps you should heed your own advice."

Kathryn quirked one delicate eyebrow at the borderline insubordination in B'Elanna's tone, and was about to call her on it when she suddenly realized that they had been discussing her. Shaking her head, she released a sigh as she addressed her engineer. "Has anyone ever told you that subtly isn't your strong point?" she asked lightly.

"On several occasions," B'Elanna allowed. "I know you miss him, Captain. We all do. But you won't be any good to anyone if you collapse from exhaustion on the Bridge."

"Have you been talking to the Doctor?"

"No, but I have eyes, as does the rest of the crew. They're concerned about you."

"I appreciate their concern, Lieutenant, but I don't have time to feel sorry for myself." Her tone was suddenly cool, impersonal. "I have a ship to run."

"Even Captains need to take a break once in a while."

"For what purpose?" Kathryn countered. "To 'get over' losing Chakotay? To pretend that I don't wake up every morning with a part of me wishing I had died with him?"

"You're not the only one who's suffering, Captain," B'Elanna responded. "There isn't a person on this ship who hasn't been affected by Chakotay's death. But wallowing in grief and neglecting your own well being is no way to honor his memory."

"Is that what you think I'm doing? 'Wallowing in grief'? News flash, Lieutenant; I don't think I've felt a thing since Chakotay's memorial service, except a dull ache in my heart to remind me that I'll never see him again."

"Captain, Chakotay was my best friend, my only friend for a long time. If I could have traded my life for his four months ago I would have done it in a millisecond, no questions asked. But in my heart I know that's not what Chakotay would have wanted, any more than he would want you to cause yourself unnecessary pain by dwelling on his death. He loved you, and more than anything he wanted your happiness."

Kathryn cast the younger woman a pained glance. "I miss him, B'Elanna," she declared in a fierce whisper. "So much. I never realized how much a part of my life he was until he was gone."

B'Elanna smiled. "Do you remember all those months ago when I was having so much trouble adjusting to the deaths of my Maquis friends? Chakotay told that mourning isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength; that it takes courage to acknowledge you've lost something that can never be replaced. He said that I couldn't shut off my emotions, and sooner or later I would have to let myself grieve."

Kathryn managed a faint smile. "That sounds like something Chakotay would say."

"Don't be afraid to grieve for him, Captain. Allow yourself to heal and move on."

I don't know if I can. The thought passed through the captain's mind but remained unspoken. Instead she replied, "Thank you for your concern, B'Elanna, and the pep talk. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Captain."

The half-Klingon turned and exited the room as the captain retreated back into her bedroom. Resuming her position in the center of the bed, she picked up the discarded PADD and began to read. Yet a few minutes later her thoughts returned to her conversation with B'Elanna, and the advice the engineer had passed on from Chakotay.

_He told me that mourning isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength; that it takes courage to acknowledge you've lost something that can never be replaced. _

Tossing the PADD aside, Kathryn reached over and picked up the photograph of her and Chakotay off the nightstand, staring at their image as she ran a finger along his face.

"I miss you," she said aloud. "More than I ever expected to."

A sudden splash of wetness dropping onto the glass blurred the image, and it was then that the captain realized she was crying. Clutching the picture to her chest, she buried her face in her pillow and silently cried herself to sleep.

Following her talk with B'Elanna, Kathryn made an effort to return to the land of the living, more for her crew's sake than for her own. Although she was still a bit withdrawn emotionally, her daily routine began to return to normal. Duty shifts were spent on the Bridge; off-duty time with a few select crewmembers on the holodeck or in the mess hall. Coffee remained her main source of sustenance, but she made it a point to eat at least one real meal a day. The change in her behavior was not lost on the crew, and they began to hope that it signaled the return of the "real" Kathryn Janeway.

The evening of the six-month anniversary of Chakotay's death, Kathryn completed her duty shift and after relinquishing the Bridge to Tuvok, headed for the holodeck. Initiating her Da Vinci program, the captain walked onto the holodeck, allowing herself to absorb the quiet inside. A moment later she heard footsteps, and glanced over just as her holographic mentor entered from another room.

"Katarina...what a pleasant surprise."

"Good evening, Maestro. It's good to see you again."

"To what do I owe the honor of this visit?" Da Vinci asked.

"I was in need of some peace and quiet, and this is the most peaceful place I could think of."

"Something is troubling you?"

"Something has been 'troubling' me for six months," Kathryn allowed. "I lost someone very close to me, Maestro, and as hard as I've tried I can't seem to accept the fact that he's dead."

"This man that you lost...you loved him?" Da Vinci prompted.

"Very much, but I never told him."

"Ah. That explains it, then."

"Explains what?"

"Why you are unable to let him go. Your grief is being overshadowed by your guilt over the unresolved feelings you carry for him."

Kathryn opened her mouth to reply when it struck her that he was right, and she released a resigned sigh. "I suppose so," she said simply.

"Perhaps talking about him will help ease your burden," Da Vinci suggested.

"An emotional catharsis?"

"For lack of a better phrase. Tell me about the man who holds your heart, Katarina."

Kathryn permitted herself a small smile. "Chakotay was unlike anyone else I've ever known," she began. "The circumstances that brought us together were...unusual, to say the least. When we first met it was as adversaries, and I thought then that he was the most dangerous man I'd ever met."

Da Vinci's eyes widened in surprise. "You were afraid of him?"

"Not that he would harm me physically, no. But there was something about him...a constant awareness of his presence ...that made me realize what it would be like to love him and be loved by him. I'd never felt that connection before with anyone, including the man I intended to marry. I was scared of allowing myself to give one person such a powerful hold over my emotions."

"Yet despite your fear you fell in love with him, and even in death your reverence for him is evident in your tone and expression," Da Vinci remarked.

Kathryn's smile widened. "He touched my life in a way no one else has, or I suspect ever will," she replied. "I grieve for that almost as much as I grieve for him."

"Forgive me for saying so, Bella, but you are as blind as a bat."

Kathryn glanced at Da Vinci in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"Have you been listening to yourself, Katarina? This Chakotay you speak of...it is quite obvious that he was your soulmate."

"Soulmate..." Kathryn echoed. "With all due respect, Maestro, there's no such thing."

"Oh, but there is," Da Vinci countered. "Our souls can recognize a connection between themselves that our conscious minds cannot... a Spirit Bond, if you will. That is why we are often drawn to those whom we would otherwise never notice. The qualities that bind soulmates together are a reflection of what they seek in themselves, a part of their soul that cannot be found in anyone else."

Kathryn shot him an assessing glance. "You really believe that," she remarked.

"Tell me, Bella; can you think of anything else that would sufficiently explain the connection you shared with him?"

Kathryn was saved from having to respond by the beep of her combadge, and the EMH's voice filtered into the air.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway."

"Go ahead, Doctor."

"Captain, your presence is required in Sickbay."

"What for?"

"I'll explain when you get here."

"Fine. I'm on my way."

Less than two minutes later Kathryn strode into Sickbay, and discovered the Doctor conversing with a crewmember whose back was to the door. They turned expectantly at the swoosh of the opening doors, and Kathryn froze at the sight of the Doctor's companion, the blood draining from her face as her eyes widened in astonishment.

"Chakotay...?"

"Well, I'm glad to see you still remember my name after six months," Chakotay responded lightly.

Kathryn promptly fainted.

"You're the doctor!" Chakotay's voice snapped as Kathryn gradually came to. "If you knew what kind of emotional state she was in, don't you think it might have been prudent to find a less traumatic way to tell her I was here?"

"I'll make a note to brush up on the protocol regarding the revelation of a person's return from the dead," the Doctor countered dryly.

"Some things never change," Chakotay grumbled. "Computer, deactivate the Emergency Medical Hologram."

"Now wait just a..."

The Doctor's voice trailed off as he vanished into nothingness and Chakotay returned his attention to Kathryn, only to find her standing beside the biobed, watching him with an expression somewhere between amusement and disbelief. "I see your temper hasn't improved while you've been dead," she remarked lightly, and walked over to stand in front of him.

"I didn't have a certain starship Captain around to keep me in line," Chakotay returned.

"Are you really here? Or have I finally lost my mind and am imagining this?"

Chakotay flashed her a warm smile, and lifted a hand to gently place his palm against her cheek. Kathryn closed her eyes at his touch, the light contact enough to send a wave of desire coursing through her.

"Do I feel like a ghost?" Chakotay asked lightly.

"No," Kathryn answered in a whisper, and placed her hand over his as she opened her eyes to meet his gaze. "I missed you so much..."

"Kathryn..."

Chakotay pulled her into his arms and Kathryn slid her own arms around his waist, pulling him as close as she could as she buried her face in his chest. The extended physical contact was enough for the reality of his presence to register and Kathryn began to sob, allowing six months of anguish, anger and fear to overwhelm her. Feeling his own eyes water, Chakotay tightened his hold on her, burying his face in her neck as he held her. After several minutes, the captain's sobs subsided, but she made no attempt to extricate herself from Chakotay's embrace. Instead she indulged herself in the luxury of being in his arms, feeling his heart beat against hers as she silently thanked whatever deities were responsible for returning him to her. _I don't know who or what brought Chakotay back, but I owe them one_, she thought.

It was Chakotay who pulled away first, leaning back just far enough to see her face. "With all due respect, Captain, you are entirely too thin," he chided.

Kathryn smiled, the first genuine one she had permitted herself in six months. "I didn't have a certain First Officer around to keep me in line," she responded.

"The Doctor told me how you reacted to my 'death'," Chakotay said quietly.

A shadow of remembered anguish flickered across Kathryn's refined features. "I don't think it really registered until the night I packed your personal belongings. I stood in your cabin and suddenly realized I was alone. No more arguments over protocol, no more apple pancakes over breakfast meetings, no additions to your ancient legend. My First Officer, my best friend, was dead. Every day for the past six months, I've walked onto the Bridge expecting to see you sitting there, but then I see Tuvok in your chair, and the reality of your death hits me all over again. The grief returns, and inside another piece of my soul withers away."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. If I had been able to spare you that pain, I would have."

"Where have you been, Chakotay? What happened to you after the shuttle was destroyed and we lost you in mid-transport?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I remember dematerializing off the shuttle, then the next thing I know I'm waking up in the medical bay of a Yevethan star cruiser. From what they told me, they were in orbit on the opposite side of the moon when they detected the Hirogen's attack on the shuttle and _Voyager_'s counter attack. They immediately cloaked themselves to avoid being detected and left orbit at high warp. Somehow I materialized on their ship instead of _Voyager_, but by the time I came to and explained who I was, they were already several hundred light years away from the moon. The Yevethan Commandant agreed to return me to _Voyager_, but when we got back to the moon you were gone, so we followed your warp trail."

"Well one thing's for certain," Kathryn replied. "I'm not letting you within a hundred yards of a shuttlecraft for the rest of the trip home."

Chakotay smiled. "I am home."

The simple declaration caused Kathryn's eyes to well with tears again. "Yes, you are," she agreed quietly. "I love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

**EPILOGUE  
**

The crew had thrown a welcome back party for their long-lost XO and turned the entire ship into a party zone, each deck displaying a different theme. When Kathryn had heard of the party plans, she had declared the Bridge and the Ready Room off limits, much to the chagrin of the crew. It was there that Kathryn and Chakotay were now sequestered, seated side by side on the couch, taking a break from the festivities that were still going on.

"I thought they'd never let me leave," Chakotay said.

Kathryn shot him an admonishing glance. "Be nice, Chakotay. The crew went to a lot of trouble to make this a memorable evening."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Kathryn, but I would rather have spent a quiet evening alone with you."

"I missed that...hearing you say my name. After a day of 'aye, Captains' and 'yes, Ma'ams', having you call me Kathryn was a balm on my soul."

"Glad to be of service."

They leaned back into the couch, each sipping on their coffee.

"Is it true you used to tell Harry that I use my Ready Room to take naps?" Kathryn asked suddenly.

"I see Tom has been running off at the mouth again," Chakotay replied. "Yes, it's true. For a while I almost had him convinced that there really was a Santa Claus, too."

Kathryn shot him a look of mock reproach. "I can see you're going to be a useful parent."

Chakotay afforded her a sideways glance. "I'd like the chance to find out," he said evenly.

"Is that a hint?"

"A request."

Blue met brown.

"I think that can be arranged," Kathryn said softly.

Chakotay smiled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You and the Maestro were awfully chummy tonight," Chakotay remarked. "Or at least as chummy as one gets with a hologram."

"Don't let the Doctor hear you say that," Kathryn cautioned dryly. "Master Da Vinci and I were just finishing a conversation we started the night you returned to _Voyager_."

"And what, pray tell, were the two of you discussing?"

"Soulmates."

"Soulmates?"

"That's what I said."

"Given that you're a scientist at heart, I find it unusual you would even acknowledge the concept."

"Seventy-two hours ago I wouldn't have," Kathryn allowed. "But getting you back was an epiphany for me, so my outlook on life and love has been irrevocably altered."

"Hopefully that's a good thing."

"Most definitely."

"I'd like to ask you a question, and I would appreciate an honest answer."

"Of course."

"If we suddenly found a way home tomorrow, would all of this change? Would we change?"

Kathryn automatically started to answer "No," then paused a moment to reconsider before responding. "Certain things about our professional relationship would change, yes. After six years the big decisions would no longer rest solely with us, or with me. There would be less pressure, less tension. On a personal level, however, it doesn't matter if we get home tomorrow or fifty years from now. You and I are together for the duration, Chakotay. Starfleet Command can whine about protocol until the sun stops shining but it won't change how I feel about you. I made my decision the night you returned to _Voyager_."

"I gathered that when you instructed Ensign Hoyle to put my things in your quarters," he replied lightly, flashing her a warm smile. "I got the feeling, however, that I was the only one surprised that you did."

"The crew spent half a year watching me waste away with grief, so I imagine at some point it dawned on them I felt something more for you than just friendship."

"B'Elanna told me you even took to sleeping in my shirts."

"Just one," she admitted, flushing. "It was the one you wore on New Earth the night you created your ancient legend. It was my way of trying to hold on to you, however superficially."

"Well, if you're gong to commandeer my shirts for your sleepwear, than I suggest you start with the blue one. It matches your eyes."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Chakotay stole a glance at the chronometer on the far wall. "I suppose we should put in a final appearance at the party before we turn in."

"Actually, I was thinking we should just skip the good-nights and head straight for our quarters."

"I never argue with a beautiful woman, especially one who outranks me."

The couple got to their feet and slid an arm around each other's waist as they headed for the door. Just as they triggered it to open, Chakotay shot Kathryn a curious glance.

"Soulmates, huh?"

"Soulmates."

"Remind me to send Leo a thank you card."

Kathryn sent him an amused smile. "The man is one of the greatest artists in the history of the world and you call him 'Leo'?"

Chakotay shrugged. "I can call him Lenny if you prefer," he offered.

Kathryn's laughter echoed across the Bridge.

**The End  
  
**


End file.
